In a series of enlarging our capacity as global workers (for Global Trellis), I’ve been asked to examine how to expand capacity in global workers by focusing on the family unit and raising third culture kids. I’m excited about this because the health of global families and their ministries has been my passion since I was seventeen years old. With 24 out of my 42 years being spent on the field as a TCK and as a global worker, I’ve come to understand one important truth about capacity. The primary factor that impacts our capacity is connection. Connection is about being, not doing. And our ability to be affects everything we are able to do and how well we do it.
It shouldn’t surprise us that global workers are “doers.” Generally altruistic by nature, we understand the gift and command to love our neighbors as ourselves, to see a problem and contribute to a solution, to share our resources, to sacrifice, and to work toward a better and freer global community. We report evidence of fruit to donors, navigate politically sensitive issues, and try to serve with integrity. We understand every minute of every day that every dollar we spend was someone’s trust in us to be a good steward.
That’s a lot of doing. And after a lifetime of observing thousands do this work, I’d say we’re pretty good at the doing. We chase the fruit, we do the stuff, and we report to donors. And we’re exhausted. Some of us are engaging in unhealthy coping habits or harming our closest relationships in order to maintain our sanity in the grueling pace.
It started out with all the right motivations, with a fire for Jesus, a sense of urgency for the lost, and a passion to connect donors to the work on the ground. How did we get where we are now?
I remember the day God’s grace jolted me out of the chaos of doing all the right things and these words consumed me like fire,
“But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.”
Revelation 2:4 exposes our tendency to fall into the same trap as the church of Ephesus by becoming exceptional doers and poor “be-ers”. It lays bare our propensity to make it all about our work, and not about who He is to us. Somewhere along the way, I started putting what I did for Jesus in front of who I was in Jesus.
“What if…instead of talking about bearing fruit in our ministries, we talked about bearing fruit in ourselves?” Amy Young’s book asked a question that stopped me in my tracks when I read Becoming More Fruitful in Cross-Cultural Work. What if connecting to the Vine was our primary work and what if being His was the only capacity that mattered?
“Anna, you’re supposed to talk about expanding capacity in the family unit and third culture kids.” I am. What we prioritize impacts everything. What we are connected to affects everything. Ministry starts to backfire and our capacity diminishes when we experience breakdowns in our relationship with God and with our families.
How do we renew our first love and be connected to the Vine?
My pastor reminded me that Philippians 4:8 is a good start. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” What is the source of everything true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, and excellent? God’s Word. Feast on it. Invite your family to feed on it together.
Knowing how you learn can be helpful in how you approach feasting on the Word of God. Explore the learning styles of each family member and see how you can enrich their time in the Word with different learning strategies. The teacher in me can nerd out on this, but I’ll just share a few examples.
Auditory learners can maximize learning by listening to soft music while reading passages out loud or listening to an audio Bible with a voice they enjoy. I like David Suchet’s voice (Aslan in Narnia), so my kids grew up listening to the audio version of the Jesus Storybook Bible on car trips and I listen to his audio Bible. Ask your child or spouse to read a verse to you and bask in Words of Life coming from the voices of your most precious people. Auditory learners tend to respond well to discussion. Ask a friend or family member their thoughts on a passage and then ask them to flesh their thoughts out more.
Reading and writing learners might enjoy reading several different versions of the same passage. If you speak or are learning another language, read the passage in that language. In college, I had to memorize a new verse every week for a Bible study. It was an enriching experience to write out the passage in English, French, and West African Pidgin and tape those to my wall. Reading that God loved his only child “sotee” (so much) resonated with me on a deep cultural level as Pidgin was my language of play growing up. Reading that a double-minded man has “l’'âme partagée” (a shared or split soul) gave me a fresh way to see the dangers of lacking wisdom. Reading and writing learners also respond well to journaling about the passage. This could mean cross-referencing one verse and writing down your findings, writing out the scripture as a prayer, or jotting down your thoughts, questions, and life experiences related to the scripture.
Kinesthetic learners learn best by moving. Movement solidifies new knowledge in their brain. They can maximize learning gardening or bike riding and listening to an audio Bible or podcast, going on a walk with a friend and discussing a passage, or praying scriptures while jogging. Drawing and painting scripture may also be impactful. Even drinking a cup of coffee or tea while reading helps information take root more firmly for kinesthetic learners.
Visual learners will respond well to attaching images to biblical concepts. This can range from anything like watching Bible Project’s videos for kids (yes, they’re great for adults too!), or checking out the “Look at the Book” YouTube series, or following a Christian artist who sparks their imagination of biblical truths in biblical imagery.
Interpersonal learners maximize learning by working with others. Joining or starting a Bible study or prayer group, teaching Sunday School, or talking with a friend about a passage are great approaches for interpersonal learners.
There are many learning styles, but hopefully this sparks a few new ideas for maximizing the way we feed on God’s Word.
How do we renew the relationships within our family?
It’s a lot more about how we’re being and less about what we’re doing. I was friends with a kid in college who wanted for nothing. His college was paid for, he had a gorgeous new car, and he could go out to eat whenever he wanted. He told me he resented his parents. They bought him whatever he wanted, but they never spent time being together. This was deeply damaging during his formative years. In giving him everything, they forgot the first step to love, which was simply to connect with him and to know him.
I reached out to Aly Houser, the director of MTI’s prominent TCK training program, to collaborate on a project, and I asked her, “If you could tell serving families ONE thing to prioritize, what would it be?”
Without skipping a beat, she responded, “Parents connecting with their kids. Especially during transition.” I couldn’t contain my smile when she went on to affirm what I so passionately have come to believe. Connecting with God, ourselves, and others is the most important work we can accomplish. She called it “God-awareness, self-awareness, and others-awareness.”
Creating space in the family to be together and to truly know each other is where building connection starts. You can hear how global workers do this all over the world in my book, Raising a Family Overseas. Life for families in global service includes a lot of transition, uprootedness, and loss. In the wake of loss, we crave the familiar. As a parent, you are the familiar for your children. The thriving family builds a culture of knowing each other and being known within the family.
If you need a launching pad, start with eye contact. Eye contact is the first step to building attachment. It lets the listener know that you are fully available and that they are the most important thing to you. When everything is unstable around you, eye contact communicates stability, commitment, respect, and intimacy. You will never look back and wish you had less eye contact with your kids. Eye contact is a gateway to feeling known.
Being known starts with getting into each other’s worlds. When our children were young, my husband and I taught them that this goes both ways. We want to know them and it is important for them to know us. When my son was young, getting to know him meant asking him about his Minecraft world and giving myself the space to be amazed by the intricate worlds he built. It meant asking follow-up questions. Now, it means going to the skate park with him and being awed when he conquers new tricks.
Being known by my son when he was young meant teaching him how to ask me about my day and courageously sharing what I did even if I thought it would bore him. Now, it means inviting him into my projects, like discussing my book cover idea with him before talking to my designer.
I want to include a note to parents who are facing a rocky season with a child. Reading this may feel discouraging and out of reach. I know your heart is to connect and to love your child well and that you may be facing painful rejection. Take comfort in this. Your invitation to connect with your child profoundly impacts their development whether they reciprocate or not. You can’t force connection, but don’t give up offering love and availability even if your invitations are rejected. Your efforts to connect are a crucial piece to healthy development. The act of being invited to connect communicates being seen and wanted, and in your child’s development, your invitation is more important than their response.
Expanding meaningful capacity in the serving family is not complicated, but it isn’t easy either. The only path to building the right type of capacity in ministry and in families is to go back to your first love. Pause everything else. It really will be okay. Connect to the Vine. Then connect with your family. Feasting from the Vine and feeding your family will breathe new life into your soul and root the effort of your hands back to your first love.
Originally published on Global Trellis.
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